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Tricycle Taxi: The Pedicab Musical

by Danny Calise

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  • Streaming + Download

    Purchasable with gift card

     

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Jersey: Tricycle taxi, well I’ve been driving one for a few weeks We’ll get you there safely They call us angels of the evening People in love, some who are drunk To them I could be anyone When we arrive, they pay their fare And walk away, but I’m still standing there And as I roll through the night It’s just me and the sky Tricycle taxi, at first I thought this would be easy And boy it sure is lonely Despite the temporary company So here we go for a ride Two pretty girls, they grab my back side Give them my card when we arrived But then they walked away without paying me And as I roll through the night It’s just me and the sky But then I pick up the most happy couple in love And they give me a big tip And then I go to the pizza shop where they Give pedicabbers a discount And I triumphantly wolf down a slice Cause I know, to stop dreamin’ ain’t right
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Antony: When you’re tryna help your friends but Their money is pretend It’s a business When your friends have lots of skills But none of them pay the bills It’s a business When the shop has no money And it all comes down to me It’s a business When the money’s all been spent And it’s time to pay the rent It’s a business Sure I let you guys drink beers til 8 AM And I give out lots of chance to someone, before I ban them People take advantage and I look like a fool But as long the bikes can run and rent is paid, yea then I’m cool And everybody’s cool Antony: Now I’m gonna need you to do me a big favor My roommate Glen just got fired from his job because he refused to take a drug test I need you to train him as a pedicabber today You know, just show him the best spots and give him some advice Now much do you think you could have made pedicabbing in the hour and a half that you’ll be training him? Jersey: At least $50 Antony: 50 dollars? I just don’t understand why you’d want to take that much money away from the company. Antony:Sure I let you guys sell drugs out of the shop And I’m fine with that, so long as nobody calls the cops (cause then we’d lose the business) And sure I never know who any of them are But the guys who sleep in my garage haven’t pissed me off so far But when they do it makes it hard When people owe me money I turn into a very different person When people owe me money I hate myself as much as they hate me Antony: Let’s see how it goes If I hear from the other riders that there’s plenty of business out there I’ll pay you your fifty dollars And if not, we’ll work something out Jersey: When your boss is a d bag and it makes you really mad It’s a business When you answer to a guy Who utterly despise It’s a business I’m looking forward to the day When I tell him to his face That I quit this Until then I will ride And from I’ll always hide It’s a business When people owe me money There no lenghts I wouldn’t go When people owe me money I scour the whole damn town You think I’m annoying now But I will hunt you down Antony: Now go out there and make some money, Jersey.
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Glen: Uh, Jersey? (Jersey nods) Oh, hey, I’m- Jersey: Glen, I know. Glen: I just want to say thanks for training me tonight. Jersey: No problem, dude. Just try not to lose me too much money tonight, okay? Glen: Will do, boss! Jersey: Now Glen. Can you smell anything in the air tonight? Glen: Piss? Jersey: Yes, but also, love. Jersey: Do you see the full moon? Well, all those couples do too (they’re horny!) Help em turn a good night into a great one Take em for a ride, make it feel like vacation The dinner crowd is letting out Let’s head on over to the Loooonesome Dove No wants to walk around Tell em it’d be better to rooollll around To stroll rest a while and sit down Digest awhile and sit down Just give em that look, like, “you know you want to” Because it’s Date night in Austin So won’t you come for a ride? Yea it’s date night in Austin Put your troubles aside Jersey: Hi guys, beautiful night for a pedicab ride. (A couple is walking on the sidewalk and look at each other to consider Jersey’s offer. They nod in agreement. They step aboard Jersey’s cab.) Jersey: Best decision you ever made. Jersey: How’s we doing tonight? Hillary: We’re on our first date! (Jersey smiles at Bill and Hillary then turns to the audience and motions as if he is shooting himself in the head.) Bill: About how much is this gonna cost? Hillary: Aren’t I worth it? Jersey: How was the Lonesome Dove? Bill: (Under his breath) Expensive. Hillary: That’s the price you pay for love. (She cuddles up to Bill) Choir: Oooh. Hillary: Let’s go somewhere for a drink. Bill: It’s happy hour still I think. Hillary: Noooo. Let’s go somewhere fancy! Bill: Noooo. Jersey: (Butting in) That sounds so romantic. Choir: Oooh. Bill: You can drop us off there. (points to a street corner) Hillary: Noooo, I like the wind in my hair. Jersey: (laughing to Bill) You gotta deal with it. Jersey: Because it’s Date night in Austin So I’ll take you for a ride Yea it’s date night in Austin So put your budget aside Bill: (with desperation) Okay, here please. (Bill and Hillary exit the pedicab and stand beside Jersey.) Jersey: Okay guys, that’ll be $40. Bill: But you only rode us around for one song. Jersey: I know, I charge $40 per song. Bill: That’s more than a stri… Jersey: Plus tip. Hillary: Hurry up, I want a shot! Bill: (paying Jersey) Oh alright. How the hell can you get away with this? Jersey: Because it’s Date night in Austin And everyone wants a ride Yea it’s date night in Austin And love has a price
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Glen: It’s not all about the money though, right? Cause if that were the case, I could just go back to being a stripper. Jersey: That’s gross, Glen. Don’t tell anyone else that. But, actually, there is something else I’m looking for out here. Jersey: Some men they ride for money, I ride for love. Many girls have called me thirsty, But I don’t give up. Ooh but the best of all Would be a girl who rides a pedicab Jersey: It’s hard to explain Glen, but, pedicabbers are just a different breed of human being, ya know what I mean? Glen: Not really. It’s just a bike. Jersey: Just a bike? Jersey: Oh my God, this guy thinks it’s so damn easy Just wait til you fall in love, the first time. Glen: I’m married. Jersey: Cute, fun, girls they’re gonna hand you money You won’t wanna let them to go Ooh but the best of all Would be a girl who rides a pedicab Jersey: Yep, that’s the dream dude. Glen: So how many female pedicabbers are there? Jersey: A lot. But only one that hasn’t yet turned me down. But alas, she’s a SNAKE. Jersey: Some men they ride for money, I ride for love. Many girls have called me thirsty, But I don’t give up. Most pedicabbers are so damn ugly, (No offense) You’d think I would stand a chance. Yet, here I am with the same old strategy Give them everything that I own Jersey: And it hasn’t worked. Ooh but the best of all Would be a girl who rides a pedicab Glen: So what’s your plan to get the SNAKE girl? Jersey: Well, I figured I’d just shower her with money and let her take my rides, and then she’ll fall in love with me. Glen: Sounds promising.
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Jersey: (to Glen) You wouldn’t expect us to be so conformist Yet pedicabbers follow just one rule When I first started, they told me, That if I snake I would get my ass kicked But these guys they do it with pride And no ever says anything ‘cause they’re just too scared of them (As Jersey sings to Glen on stage left, Robert Laroux and Jackleen are posing and hissing on stage right. They are counting money and laughing.) And when you’re a snake You take and take it’s dishonest You try to find a way To take away another man’s pay And when you’re a snake You’ll be your namesake, that’s a promise (Jersey mocks the pantomimes of the Snakes on the other side.) The rules you forsake are what makes you a snake ugh (Robert Laroux and Jackleen walk over to Jersey and Glen. He is a tall, imposing man with venerable swag.) Robert Laroux: Well hello, non-threats. As you can very well see, the SNAKES have taken over this region. Now split! (Robert Laroux leads the audience in a call-and-response Snakes cheer. He shouts “Snakes” and the audience hisses. Jackleen does it as well.) Robert Laroux: SNAKES Jackleen and audience: Hissssss Robert Laroux: SNAKES Jackleen and audience: Hissssss (Laroux hamming it up, center stage.) Oh I’m not sympathetic When I snake a ride using my aesthetic You see, people want to be razzle dazzled Not just have a conversation, all that mental masturbation (Laroux walks to a high platform and belts.) When you’re a snake I make twice what you make on my bad nights This is the USA That means everyone on foot is fair game When you’re a snake You take what’s yours and that’s all rides The rules I forsake are what makes me a snake (Once again, Laroux and Jackleen chant with audience.) Robert Laroux: SNAKES Jackleen and audience: Hissssss Robert Laroux: SNAKES Jackleen and audience: Hissssss
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Patron: Hey pedicabs, there’s one two three four of us and we’re heading to the gayborhood Surely two of you can handle us? Jersey: Of course. Hop on in. Patron: Splendid. Patron 2: Let’s race All: yea! Patron: Let’s sweeten the deal. First pedicab there will recive double, nay, triple the tip. And go! I’m startin out slow and steady My legs are giving out already I gotta keep this guy next to me Can’t forget about that money I’m peddling as hard as I can Meanwhile I’m sweating to death This is the ninth day of this These guys are so damn heavy I wanna make enough money So I can quit this damn company I wanna buy a cab of my own The cab I would build would be nice Only my designs With all year round Christmas lights Blinking on the on the sides Patron: Hurry now boy they’re catching up. What did you say your name was again? Jersey: Act- Patron 2 in other cab: What’s up basic bitches??? Hahah Patron: Rotten, they’ve caught up to us. If we’re not the first pair of queens to roll up to Oilcan harry’s you’ll get nothing. Now peddle! This cab is so damn shitty I hate my damn company What’s with this guy next to me? I think he’s on steroids steroids I’m peddling in spite of my pain Nothing to lose, something to gain We should both get triple the tip These guys are so damn stingy It looks like I might win this My pipe dream is back in business I’m gonna buy a cab of my own My cab will dripping with swag As I zig and zag My riders would sing in the streets On my karaoke machine Just a little more Almost there I see it How badly do I want my own cab? So badly You’ve done it! Hah-hah queens. Our boy won As promised, here is $60 Other boy, as promised, Nothing
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Jackleen: (To people on the street) Hey guys, want a pedicab ride? Mean guy: Oh I’d ride with you anytime hunny. Jackleen: (Disgusted) No thanks. (To others) Pedicab ride anyone? Jackleen: How did I get here? Why do I do this? Following my father Always gets me nowhere Thought I wanted A life worth having But now I’m here in Austin Pedaling, it’s so boring All I want is what I deserve which is My life back, the one I never had Ever since I can remember, I’ve been on the road Snaking, snaking I never even had a boyfriend I never even had a first date Snaking, just snaking Jackleen: (To audience) Jersey? Yea he’s a nice guy, but...I need someone with a little more...money. Jackleen: How do I find A way out of this grind I’m sick of all these assholes Cat-calling me, they’re broke Snaking, it works But it makes me a jerk And other riders hate me Well except for Jersey He’s so stupid, I take advantage But I get by And I don’t have to try Ever since I can remember, I’ve been on the road Snaking, snaking I never even had a boyfriend I never even had a first date Snaking, just snaking Is that really all I have? Is that really all I am? Snaking, snaking I want something more I wanna mean more than Snaking, snaking Hisssssss
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Glen: Hey jersey, What do I do if I hit a car? Jersey: Well, Off the record, You’ve just keep going Just prenetnd it never happened Act like you’re pulling over Then speed into the sunset That’s the unofficial answer. The official answer is, Pull over, exchange information And gosh darn it we’re gonna an insurance claim Make sure you change your clothing Don’t let them recognize you Just blend into the rabble Of other scraggly white dudes Oh you won’t be found If on your license plate there’s more dirt than on the ground Mess it up For when it goes down You never think you’re hit into someone, But then you try to fit through a small space and… What the hell? Miss I’m so sorry I thought i could make it Here let’s pull over Whew see you later What the hell, where are you going? Quickly Glen Let’s pull into this alley and change clothes with me When you say you’ll pull over They don’t take a picture So I scratched her Mercedes And I feel a little richer Oh you won’t be found If on your license plate there’s more dirt than on the ground Mess it up For when it goes down Glen: So, I should just run away Jersey: Officially, no. Unofficially… Think about it buddy You scrape together pennies That girl had a Mercedes Your car is from the 80’s You can’t afford To pay for that scratch You’ve just keep going Just pretend it never happened Act like you’re pulling over Then speed into the sunset
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Jersey: When I see money like this, I just I wanna spend it on something big. I guess I’ve always been a dreamer I try not to see it as a bad thing but When your dreams never come true, When is it time to stop? Maybe dreams are best left behind But I’ve never thought like that I dream of love bigger than Austin And when I feel it, well I don’t know It’s like I’m in a walking dream I think I need to wake up Jackleen: W-what are you doing? Jersey: I’m just...dreaming. Jackleen: Dreaming about what? Jersey: Oh, it doesn’t matter. How’s your night going? Jackleen: It’s been okay. Not as good as you with all that moolah! Jersey: Oh, heh yea. Jackleen: What are you gonna do with all that cash? Jersey: What would you do? Jackleen: Well, I’m saving up to pay for my pet turtle’s shell transplant. But besides that... Jackleen: Maybe I’m old-fashioned But I’d like To go out to dinner every night A coat of fur and crown of jewels And attention Floating in private swimming pools It’s like I’ll do most anything Just to move up Jackleen: So yea my pet turtle, her names’ uh, New Jersey Jersey: Wait, my name is Jersey! Well, that’s what they call me. Jackleen: No shit! Well her shell, is fricked. Jersey: What happened? Well let’s just put it this way: She needs a lot of money. Jersey: Well, you can have the 60 I made off of that last ride. Jackleen: Thank you! Jersey: I’ll never stop dreaming Jackleen: I’ll step on anyone I have to. Jersey: It’s like I’m in a walking dream Jackleen: You’re so dumb. Jersey: I don’t want to wake up Jackleen: Yea no shit.
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Drunk Old Man: I was on the bus, going down Lamar, When I saw this man, humping a car He was wearing pink, a skirt I think, When it occurred to me, Austin needs a creed I started thinking, then it hit me: Keep Austin weird! Woke the guy next to me sleeping, Told em, keep Austin weird. Jersey: Wow, so did you trademark the phrase? Drunk Old Man: No! And now it’s owned by some corporate douche. Glen: Wow, I guess that makes sense. Drunk Old Man: But I’m working on a new slogan for Austin. Jersey: Oh yea, what’s that? Drunk Old Man: Don’t move here! (Laughs drunkenly and stumbles out of the cab) Jersey: Everyone debates, what makes Austin strange Some would say the bats, or the walls of spray paint Has it lost its edge, ‘cause musicians can’t pay rent They go and built a million lofts, much to our discontent So I implore you, I am begging Keep Austin Weird Too much money, too many people Are moving here Jersey: Oh I remember what it used to be like in Austin, before all of you moved here. Glen: Didn’t you say you moved here two years ago? Jersey: Whatever! Jersey: It was so much less crowded. I used zip around this town. Glen: But weren’t there fewer bike lanes? Jersey: Shut up Glen! Jersey: The point is that part of being from Austin, it’s your right to complain. Jersey: Step on in, guys. Let’s Keep Austin Weird tonight. Corporate Douche: Keep Austin Weird huh? Jersey: Ya know, I heard the phrase Keep Austin Weird is actually owned by…(Jersey realizes that the guys he is talking to is a corporate douche) a corporation. CD: Yea, it is. Mine. Jersey: Wait a minute, you’re the guy who owns the trademark on Keep Austin Weird? You must have made a fortune off of it. CD: Damn right. And I made even more when I sold it to Portland. Jersey: Wow, you must have a house on the lake next to Matthew McConaughey or something! CD: I don’t even live here. Jersey: Um, sir, where do you live then? CD: I split my time two ways between New York, and California. Jersey: Nooooo. (CD steps off the cab.) Jersey: So I implore you, I am begging Keep Austin Weird Too much money, too many people Are moving here (A couple gets onto Jersey’s cab.) Jersey: Hey folks, so where are you from? Couple: California! Jersey and Glen: Don’t move here!
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You shouldn't believe him He just a freaking snake You should go show him That of which you're made Start a revolution Collect other men, and women Together we'll protest And push those snakes off the edge You're the one I am? To take charge of us Really? I believe in you To lead the troops Really, just someone has to dmo it Do what? Who's with us to take down the snakes Who's sick of the way they behave Let's return to the olden days Jersey will lead us to take down the snakes! You want me to take down the snakes? Sssss You plan to take down the snakes You young man couldn't take down my plates, if you were a bus boy Get it? Oh yea? I've got something you don't have (I know, acne) That's not what I meant (Oh get on with it) It's my conversations That help pay my rent (Well when you sleep in your car...) You can't stand The human voice (I deeply hate yours, yes) You pushed me here You give me no choice Who's with us to take down the snakes Who's sick of the way they behave Let's return to the olden days I will lead us to take down the snakes! Alright now shut up boy it's my turn Aren't you intimidated? I'm freaking Robert laroux You don't want to make me angry You've no idea what I'll do Let's set up a race then At the pizza shop You should bring your a game Cause I'll be bringing a lot of dudes One hour Onion pizza. Loser leaves town You are a Loser and you will leave town yes Just show up in a hour ya snake
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Jersey: Ya know, Jackleen. I have an idea to attract you some more customers. (He pulls out two Ukuleles and hands one to Jackleen.) Jackleen: Wow, thanks. (Holds the ukulele properly and puts her fingers on the frets.) I used to know how to play a few chords, but no songs. Jersey: Not a problem. Just follow my lead. First play a G, then move your finger down, then take it off, then back to G. (Jackleen successfully plays the chords along with Jersey) Jackleen: Wow, you made that seem really simple. Jersey: Well, I’m a teacher. Jackleen: (under her breath) Ugh. Jersey: (Smiling) What, are you disappointed? Jackleen: (Lying, poorly) No. Jersey: Just sing along with me. Jersey: Hey, would you like a ride? It’s so beautiful outside Tonight. Jersey and Jackleen: Hey, would you like a ride? It’s so beautiful outside Tonight. Jackleen: Well, thanks again Jersey wish me luck!
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Jersey: Fellas, fellas, step into my office You boys from out of town? Frat brothers? I gotcha. Soo what are we looking to get into tonight boys? Frat brother: We just wanna have fun, you know What all the other guys want. (Other guy, who has had a few): You think you could get us some coke? (First guy) We’re only in town tonight We gotta make it count, alright, alright So take us to a perfect place (Other guy, also a perv): One where we’re gonna get laid I know just the bar, where you’d wanna go It isn’t all that far, just up the road They have the loosest girls, that you’d ever see When you wake up tomorrow, youre gonna thank me Okay, here we are, have a good night boys Ladies, step on in Ooh you are looking good tonight. Shall I take us to Cielo nightclub Latina: Oh you think just because we’re Latinas that we’re going to Cielo? Hell yea we are, it’s the only Latin club in town (Drunk friend) Tienes cocaina? We’re tired of our hometown guys So we’re here tonight I love a good girls night out We don’t need a man (Drunk friend): I’m looking for a one night stand Well, I am We’re only here for one night And I for one plan to live my life! Now who’s with me? Whoaaa Austin! Jersey: Alright ladies here we are. Have fun! Jersey, to Glen: And that’s how it’s done Glen Glen: Isn’t it ironic that they both wanted coke? Jersey: No, Alannis Morisette, that’s not irony. Everyone asks for cocaine.
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Jersey: Alright Glen, I think I need a rest, let’s get on the end of this line So, what happened to you, You refused to take a drug test? Glen: Yea, not my finest hour I was doing HVAC for this company, All of a sudden they popped a drug test on me And I was outta there What about you? Jersey: I’m a high school teacher I do this on the weekends Cause I ain’t got no friends (Spoken:) But don’t feel bad for me (Sung:) I’ve been here living in Austin For a couple years now I followed the trend We’ve all got a story to tell So what’s yours? The only requirement to ride Is you’ve gotta be interesting Yea you gotta keep it interesting People expect us to be one of a kind Your narrative should be riveting Yea you gotta keep it interesting Yea riding a pedicab isn’t for the faint at heart You gotta have tattoos a beard and face art Take it from us we’ve been down that road We’re from every city, state and zip code Glen: Wow, I never thought of myself as an interesting guy Jersey: Well, dig deep. Or just make shit up. Like this guy. Pedicabber: I come from New Orleans I used play the trumpet Here’s my tattoo to prove it And people eat it up with a spoon Glen: I don’t think I could do that Pretend to be someone Just for the tips I’m just an unemployed HVAC I’m not ashamed of that I just smoke weed Jersey: I was worried that you wouldn’t fit in Until you said “weed” The only requirement to ride Is you’ve gotta be interesting Yea you gotta keep it interesting People expect us to be one of a kind Your narrative should be riveting Yea you gotta keep it interesting Yea riding a pedicab isn’t for the faint at heart You gotta have tattoos a beard and face art Take it from us we’ve been down that road We’re from every city, state and zip code Pedicabber: I’m a southern boy Y’all come back now ya hear I spit cliches every damn day of the year Pirate Mike: Arghhh I’m pirate Mike, that’s my gimmick But in my real life, I drive a Honda Civic Jersey, to Glen: So who are you?
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Glen: Ya know, Jersey, I used be something of a rapper. Jersey: No way. Glen: Yup, they used to call me MC Glen. Jersey: Piano man, give us a beat! Jersey: When we have a little downtime, pedicabbers have been known to have rap battles. Glen: Well, MY beats were a little more like this… Glen: Okay everyone, I’m MC Glen An HVAC from Oregon I failed a drug a test for smoking weed So now I’m tryna make a buck by pedalin’ My trainer is Jersey, he’s from NJ And he’d like to wring the neck of Antony, right? Yea he’s my roommate, but we can all agree that we hate the SNAKES (Jersey is impressed by Glen’s rapping. They revel in the insult of the SNAKES. Robert Laroux and Jackleen walk up and Jersey and Glen are frightened.) Laroux: Talkie, talkie, talkie. That’s all you peasants can do. First of all, let’s put on a real beat. DJ SNAKES, spin that shit. (Laroux prepares to rap. Walks around rubbing his hands together, loosening up his shoulders.) Laroux: Where do you want me start? The fact that this girl just plays with your heart? The fact that the SNAKES always rake it in, And leftover P Terry’s is your din din? People like my rides People laugh at your bike You’re always standing in line I’m always snaking your rides Couldn’t stop me if you tried So all you can do is cry How come you’re training him, huh When you can barely ride? Jersey: Alright you piece of crap. Congratulations, you got me to rap. I’m supposed to insult you, huh? Well how’s this for a verbal slap (Choking under the pressure) You...stink! Laroux: Jersey’s his name, being poor is his game His bike it is lame, his friend is the same Only a success if failure is his aim You’re dumb if you think he’d ever make the SNAKES Ooh you should be ashamed Cause your boy looks like a poor man’s Kevin James Glen: Jersey, you can’t choke again, let me do the next round for you. Jersey: I have a better idea Glen, let’s get the hell outta here. Glen: Okay.
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Glen: Wow, that piano player is really good. Jersey: Yep, Piano Man, he’s a buddy of mine. He has a weekly gig at Pete’s dueling piano bar. Glen: What’s his story? Jersey: I can’t believe you haven’t figured this out yet, Glen, but why don’t we ask him to find out? Glen: Okay. Jersey: Yo Piano Man, this guy wants to hear your life story. Piano Man: You sure he doesn’t just wanna hear Tiny Dancer, Piano Man and Brick over and over? Jersey: Whoa buddy. What’s the matter? Piano: Sorry, Jersey. I’m so sick of playing the same songs over and over. Jersey: Well, now’s the chance for you to play something original for this rookie. Then, after you should play Sweet Caroline. Piano Man: I could have been somethin’ The Billy Joel of Boston Instead I’m here every weekend The dirty 6th in Austin I was a dime a dozen Guess everyone can play piano in Boston So now on Friday’s I work at Pete’s And every week it’s the same thing Jersey: What do you mean? (Plays UT fight song) Jersey: That doesn’t seem so bad. People love hearing their old college fight song. Piano Man: Yea, I know. And when one ends, they always want to hear the next one. (Plays A&M fight song) Glen: I don’t know these songs. How about “Don’t Stop Believin”? Piano Man: You know what, dude? You should stop believin. I’m gonna play you one of my own songs. It’s 10 o’clock on a Friday The usual people are here There’s a young guy sitting next to me Having sex with his beer. Glen: This sounds awfully familiar. Piano Man: Oops I’ve done it again Ripped off a song that was famous Just like my song called Tequilaville This explains why I didn’t make it Jersey: Look, Piano Man. You may not be the Billy Joel of Boston, but you’re kind of like the Elton John of Austin. Piano Man: In what way? Jersey: I don’t know dude. I was just trying to make you feel better. Piano Man: Thanks. Well, I’d better work on my song. It’s called, “I’ve got friends in high places.” Dammit, no it’s called “Green Eyed Girl.” Oh god nevermind.
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Jersey: Alright Glen, It’s go time There’s Laroux Here goes Glen: Uh Jersey, always remember, Never stop pedaling I read it on a pedicab bumper sticker. Jersey: Oh god I did it again I think I’m in over my head Not now, not this one, Matter fact I think I got this one So don’t tell me what I can’t do I’mma peddle like this bike was brand new The snakes need to get up outta here A 40 year old snake I do not fear The road ahead is uphill More than strength I need just sheer will Hardest road I’ve been down Wish my folks could see me right now Oh I’m proud of who I am And win or lose I don’t give a damn Yea you can write me down As the man who raced a snake just for his crown Robert: Oh hunny Jackleen: Dad, what can I do for you? Robert: Oh, Jackleen, there’s not much left in the old boy. Jackleen: Dad, if you lose, where are we gonna go? Robert: Wherever Uber and Lyft went. Jackleen: Oh no. Please dad, push through it Robert: This hill is kicking my arse. Why did I agree to this? How far the mighty fall? It doesn’t feel like me at all I can’t lose, can’t give up I’m royalty and he’s a chump I’m Robert freaking Laroux Been pedicabbing since 2002 I’ve snaked in all 50 states Snaking from New Orleans to the Golden state I was liking Austin Why’d I go and do this again Uproot my family And I wonder why they hate me Oh, why am I so damn proud Or at least I sound that way out loud Yea when will this race end? So my next one can begin Jersey: Just give it up old man Laroux: Never, Hunny, distract him Jersey: Jackleen? What are you his nurse or something? Jackleen: I’m his daughter Look, Jersey, I’ve been snaking you this whole time. I’m a snake. It’s literally my middle name. I don’t want to leave Austin. Please don’t win. Jersey: Oh, I’m so torn up about it Cause if I let him win, then he’ll just snake again What has this all been for? Thought I was waging war Oh Oh, then there’s that unwritten rule It seems to outweigh the others I’m really about to do this. I’m gonna lose this race for this girl. FML SMH
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Jersey: It’s all because of her The cause of all this hurt But I hope what I did was right Because it wasn’t even honest And I didn’t get the girl It’s all because of her I got my heart broken at work But I loved it here in Austin Cause it’s not like the rest of Texas But I’ll be leaving in the morning
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Jersey: I guess this is it, Glen. I’m outta here. Let’s go return the cabs to the shop. Glen: Hey Jersey, can I confess something to you? Jersey: Sure. Glen: I have no intentions of pedicabbing after tonight. Jersey: That’s great Glen. Glen: It’s just that Antony, when I told him I lost my job, he kind of bullied me into it. Jersey: I could see that. It’s my last night on a pedicab I’m finally gonna quit this job Oh sure it breaks your back But you get attractive thighs You wake up at 4 PM Then it’s time to go back out and ride Southern Boy: Hey, uh, howdy. Pirate Mike: Argg we wanna say thank ya for standing up to the SNAKES Southern Boy; Uh, yea man. Yipiie kay-o kay-a Jersey: Where are you guys really from? Both: Long Island. Jersey: Last night on a pedicab I’m finally gonna quit this job I can’t say I’ll miss the pain I never thought it would be this hard Oh sure, You have no life But you get free exercise You get home at 4 AM Just in time to close your eyes You know what I am gonna miss though? The solitude. And as I roll through the night Ahhh It’s just me and the sky Antony: Jersey my boy. So how did Glen do? Jersey: He did great Antony. But it was a busy night. So how’s about you me $50. Antony: Jersey! All I hear about is how slow it’s been tonight. Jersey: Last night on a pedicab And ain’t dealing with this crap So hand me my fifty bucks Before I call the police and rat Oh sure, My boss is strange In a sleazy kind of way But I quit, so from today I’ll no longer keep my dreams at bay Jersey: Jackleen? Jackleen: Would you like to ride around with me? Jackleen: That was really sweet of you to lose that race. Jersey: Thanks. You know you’re not so bad for a SNAKE.
29.

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released October 15, 2016

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Danny Calise Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

A software developer by day, singer-songwriter by evening, Danny Calise simply will never stop writing songs.

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