1. |
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2. |
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3. |
ACT ONE: Tricycle Taxi
03:30
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Jersey: Tricycle taxi, well I’ve been driving one for a few weeks
We’ll get you there safely
They call us angels of the evening
People in love, some who are drunk
To them I could be anyone
When we arrive, they pay their fare
And walk away, but I’m still standing there
And as I roll through the night
It’s just me and the sky
Tricycle taxi, at first I thought this would be easy
And boy it sure is lonely
Despite the temporary company
So here we go for a ride
Two pretty girls, they grab my back side
Give them my card when we arrived
But then they walked away without paying me
And as I roll through the night
It’s just me and the sky
But then I pick up the most happy couple in love
And they give me a big tip
And then I go to the pizza shop where they
Give pedicabbers a discount
And I triumphantly wolf down a slice
Cause I know, to stop dreamin’ ain’t right
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4. |
ACT ONE: It's a Business
03:57
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Antony: When you’re tryna help your friends but
Their money is pretend
It’s a business
When your friends have lots of skills
But none of them pay the bills
It’s a business
When the shop has no money
And it all comes down to me
It’s a business
When the money’s all been spent
And it’s time to pay the rent
It’s a business
Sure I let you guys drink beers til 8 AM
And I give out lots of chance to someone, before I ban them
People take advantage and I look like a fool
But as long the bikes can run and rent is paid, yea then I’m cool
And everybody’s cool
Antony: Now I’m gonna need you to do me a big favor
My roommate Glen just got fired from his job because he refused to take a drug test
I need you to train him as a pedicabber today
You know, just show him the best spots and give him some advice
Now much do you think you could have made pedicabbing in the hour and a half that you’ll be training him?
Jersey: At least $50
Antony: 50 dollars? I just don’t understand why you’d want to take that much money away from the company.
Antony:Sure I let you guys sell drugs out of the shop
And I’m fine with that, so long as nobody calls the cops (cause then we’d lose the business)
And sure I never know who any of them are
But the guys who sleep in my garage haven’t pissed me off so far
But when they do it makes it hard
When people owe me money
I turn into a very different person
When people owe me money
I hate myself as much as they hate me
Antony: Let’s see how it goes
If I hear from the other riders that there’s plenty of business out there
I’ll pay you your fifty dollars
And if not, we’ll work something out
Jersey: When your boss is a d bag and it makes you really mad
It’s a business
When you answer to a guy
Who utterly despise
It’s a business
I’m looking forward to the day
When I tell him to his face
That I quit this
Until then I will ride
And from I’ll always hide
It’s a business
When people owe me money
There no lenghts I wouldn’t go
When people owe me money
I scour the whole damn town
You think I’m annoying now
But I will hunt you down
Antony: Now go out there and make some money, Jersey.
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5. |
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Glen: Uh, Jersey? (Jersey nods) Oh, hey, I’m-
Jersey: Glen, I know.
Glen: I just want to say thanks for training me tonight.
Jersey: No problem, dude. Just try not to lose me too much money tonight, okay?
Glen: Will do, boss!
Jersey: Now Glen. Can you smell anything in the air tonight?
Glen: Piss?
Jersey: Yes, but also, love.
Jersey: Do you see the full moon?
Well, all those couples do too (they’re horny!)
Help em turn a good night into a great one
Take em for a ride, make it feel like vacation
The dinner crowd is letting out
Let’s head on over to the Loooonesome Dove
No wants to walk around
Tell em it’d be better to rooollll around
To stroll rest a while and sit down
Digest awhile and sit down
Just give em that look, like, “you know you want to”
Because it’s
Date night in Austin
So won’t you come for a ride?
Yea it’s date night in Austin
Put your troubles aside
Jersey: Hi guys, beautiful night for a pedicab ride.
(A couple is walking on the sidewalk and look at each other to consider Jersey’s offer. They nod in agreement. They step aboard Jersey’s cab.)
Jersey: Best decision you ever made.
Jersey: How’s we doing tonight?
Hillary: We’re on our first date!
(Jersey smiles at Bill and Hillary then turns to the audience and motions as if he is shooting himself in the head.)
Bill: About how much is this gonna cost?
Hillary: Aren’t I worth it?
Jersey: How was the Lonesome Dove?
Bill: (Under his breath) Expensive.
Hillary: That’s the price you pay for love. (She cuddles up to Bill)
Choir: Oooh.
Hillary: Let’s go somewhere for a drink.
Bill: It’s happy hour still I think.
Hillary: Noooo. Let’s go somewhere fancy!
Bill: Noooo.
Jersey: (Butting in) That sounds so romantic.
Choir: Oooh.
Bill: You can drop us off there. (points to a street corner)
Hillary: Noooo, I like the wind in my hair.
Jersey: (laughing to Bill) You gotta deal with it.
Jersey: Because it’s
Date night in Austin
So I’ll take you for a ride
Yea it’s date night in Austin
So put your budget aside
Bill: (with desperation) Okay, here please.
(Bill and Hillary exit the pedicab and stand beside Jersey.)
Jersey: Okay guys, that’ll be $40.
Bill: But you only rode us around for one song.
Jersey: I know, I charge $40 per song.
Bill: That’s more than a stri…
Jersey: Plus tip.
Hillary: Hurry up, I want a shot!
Bill: (paying Jersey) Oh alright. How the hell can you get away with this?
Jersey: Because it’s
Date night in Austin
And everyone wants a ride
Yea it’s date night in Austin
And love has a price
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6. |
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Glen: It’s not all about the money though, right? Cause if that were the case, I could just go back to being a stripper.
Jersey: That’s gross, Glen. Don’t tell anyone else that. But, actually, there is something else I’m looking for out here.
Jersey: Some men they ride for money,
I ride for love.
Many girls have called me thirsty,
But I don’t give up.
Ooh but the best of all
Would be a girl who rides a pedicab
Jersey: It’s hard to explain Glen, but, pedicabbers are just a different breed of human being, ya know what I mean?
Glen: Not really. It’s just a bike.
Jersey: Just a bike?
Jersey: Oh my God, this guy thinks it’s so damn easy
Just wait til you fall in love, the first time.
Glen: I’m married.
Jersey: Cute, fun, girls they’re gonna hand you money
You won’t wanna let them to go
Ooh but the best of all
Would be a girl who rides a pedicab
Jersey: Yep, that’s the dream dude.
Glen: So how many female pedicabbers are there?
Jersey: A lot. But only one that hasn’t yet turned me down. But alas, she’s a SNAKE.
Jersey: Some men they ride for money,
I ride for love.
Many girls have called me thirsty,
But I don’t give up.
Most pedicabbers are so damn ugly, (No offense)
You’d think I would stand a chance.
Yet, here I am with the same old strategy
Give them everything that I own
Jersey: And it hasn’t worked.
Ooh but the best of all
Would be a girl who rides a pedicab
Glen: So what’s your plan to get the SNAKE girl?
Jersey: Well, I figured I’d just shower her with money and let her take my rides, and then she’ll fall in love with me.
Glen: Sounds promising.
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7. |
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Jersey: (to Glen) You wouldn’t expect us to be so conformist
Yet pedicabbers follow just one rule
When I first started, they told me,
That if I snake I would get my ass kicked
But these guys they do it with pride
And no ever says anything ‘cause they’re just too scared of them
(As Jersey sings to Glen on stage left, Robert Laroux and Jackleen are posing and hissing on stage right. They are counting money and laughing.)
And when you’re a snake
You take and take it’s dishonest
You try to find a way
To take away another man’s pay
And when you’re a snake
You’ll be your namesake, that’s a promise
(Jersey mocks the pantomimes of the Snakes on the other side.)
The rules you forsake are what makes you a snake ugh
(Robert Laroux and Jackleen walk over to Jersey and Glen. He is a tall, imposing man with venerable swag.)
Robert Laroux: Well hello, non-threats. As you can very well see, the SNAKES have taken over this region. Now split!
(Robert Laroux leads the audience in a call-and-response Snakes cheer. He shouts “Snakes” and the audience hisses. Jackleen does it as well.)
Robert Laroux: SNAKES
Jackleen and audience: Hissssss
Robert Laroux: SNAKES
Jackleen and audience: Hissssss
(Laroux hamming it up, center stage.)
Oh I’m not sympathetic
When I snake a ride using my aesthetic
You see, people want to be razzle dazzled
Not just have a conversation, all that mental masturbation
(Laroux walks to a high platform and belts.)
When you’re a snake
I make twice what you make on my bad nights
This is the USA
That means everyone on foot is fair game
When you’re a snake
You take what’s yours and that’s all rides
The rules I forsake are what makes me a snake
(Once again, Laroux and Jackleen chant with audience.)
Robert Laroux: SNAKES
Jackleen and audience: Hissssss
Robert Laroux: SNAKES
Jackleen and audience: Hissssss
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8. |
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9. |
ACT ONE: The Race
03:13
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Patron: Hey pedicabs, there’s one two three four of us and we’re heading to the gayborhood
Surely two of you can handle us?
Jersey: Of course. Hop on in.
Patron: Splendid.
Patron 2: Let’s race
All: yea!
Patron: Let’s sweeten the deal. First pedicab there will recive double, nay, triple the tip. And go!
I’m startin out slow and steady
My legs are giving out already
I gotta keep this guy next to me
Can’t forget about that money
I’m peddling as hard as I can
Meanwhile I’m sweating to death
This is the ninth day of this
These guys are so damn heavy
I wanna make enough money
So I can quit this damn company
I wanna buy a cab of my own
The cab I would build would be nice
Only my designs
With all year round Christmas lights
Blinking on the on the sides
Patron: Hurry now boy they’re catching up.
What did you say your name was again?
Jersey: Act-
Patron 2 in other cab: What’s up basic bitches??? Hahah
Patron: Rotten, they’ve caught up to us.
If we’re not the first pair of queens to roll up to Oilcan harry’s you’ll get nothing.
Now peddle!
This cab is so damn shitty
I hate my damn company
What’s with this guy next to me?
I think he’s on steroids steroids
I’m peddling in spite of my pain
Nothing to lose, something to gain
We should both get triple the tip
These guys are so damn stingy
It looks like I might win this
My pipe dream is back in business
I’m gonna buy a cab of my own
My cab will dripping with swag
As I zig and zag
My riders would sing in the streets
On my karaoke machine
Just a little more
Almost there
I see it
How badly do I want my own cab?
So badly
You’ve done it! Hah-hah queens. Our boy won
As promised, here is $60
Other boy, as promised,
Nothing
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10. |
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Jackleen: (To people on the street) Hey guys, want a pedicab ride?
Mean guy: Oh I’d ride with you anytime hunny.
Jackleen: (Disgusted) No thanks. (To others) Pedicab ride anyone?
Jackleen: How did I get here?
Why do I do this?
Following my father
Always gets me nowhere
Thought I wanted
A life worth having
But now I’m here in Austin
Pedaling, it’s so boring
All I want is what I deserve which is
My life back, the one I never had
Ever since I can remember,
I’ve been on the road
Snaking, snaking
I never even had a boyfriend
I never even had a first date
Snaking, just snaking
Jackleen: (To audience) Jersey? Yea he’s a nice guy, but...I need someone with a little more...money.
Jackleen: How do I find
A way out of this grind
I’m sick of all these assholes
Cat-calling me, they’re broke
Snaking, it works
But it makes me a jerk
And other riders hate me
Well except for Jersey
He’s so stupid, I take advantage
But I get by
And I don’t have to try
Ever since I can remember,
I’ve been on the road
Snaking, snaking
I never even had a boyfriend
I never even had a first date
Snaking, just snaking
Is that really all I have?
Is that really all I am?
Snaking, snaking
I want something more
I wanna mean more than
Snaking, snaking
Hisssssss
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11. |
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Glen:
Hey jersey,
What do I do if I hit a car?
Jersey:
Well,
Off the record,
You’ve just keep going
Just prenetnd it never happened
Act like you’re pulling over
Then speed into the sunset
That’s the unofficial answer.
The official answer is,
Pull over, exchange information
And gosh darn it we’re gonna an insurance claim
Make sure you change your clothing
Don’t let them recognize you
Just blend into the rabble
Of other scraggly white dudes
Oh you won’t be found
If on your license plate there’s more dirt than on the ground
Mess it up
For when it goes down
You never think you’re hit into someone,
But then you try to fit through a small space and…
What the hell?
Miss I’m so sorry
I thought i could make it
Here let’s pull over
Whew see you later
What the hell, where are you going?
Quickly Glen
Let’s pull into this alley and change clothes with me
When you say you’ll pull over
They don’t take a picture
So I scratched her Mercedes
And I feel a little richer
Oh you won’t be found
If on your license plate there’s more dirt than on the ground
Mess it up
For when it goes down
Glen:
So, I should just run away
Jersey:
Officially, no.
Unofficially…
Think about it buddy
You scrape together pennies
That girl had a Mercedes
Your car is from the 80’s
You can’t afford
To pay for that scratch
You’ve just keep going
Just pretend it never happened
Act like you’re pulling over
Then speed into the sunset
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12. |
ACT ONE: Walking Dream
03:11
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Jersey:
When I see money like this, I just
I wanna spend it on something big.
I guess I’ve always been a dreamer
I try not to see it as a bad thing but
When your dreams never come true,
When is it time to stop?
Maybe dreams are best left behind
But I’ve never thought like that
I dream of love bigger than Austin
And when I feel it, well I don’t know
It’s like I’m in a walking dream
I think I need to wake up
Jackleen: W-what are you doing?
Jersey: I’m just...dreaming.
Jackleen: Dreaming about what?
Jersey: Oh, it doesn’t matter. How’s your night going?
Jackleen: It’s been okay. Not as good as you with all that moolah!
Jersey: Oh, heh yea.
Jackleen: What are you gonna do with all that cash?
Jersey: What would you do?
Jackleen: Well, I’m saving up to pay for my pet turtle’s shell transplant. But besides that...
Jackleen:
Maybe I’m old-fashioned
But I’d like
To go out to dinner every night
A coat of fur and crown of jewels
And attention
Floating in private swimming pools
It’s like I’ll do most anything
Just to move up
Jackleen: So yea my pet turtle, her names’ uh, New Jersey
Jersey: Wait, my name is Jersey! Well, that’s what they call me.
Jackleen: No shit! Well her shell, is fricked.
Jersey: What happened?
Well let’s just put it this way: She needs a lot of money.
Jersey: Well, you can have the 60 I made off of that last ride.
Jackleen: Thank you!
Jersey: I’ll never stop dreaming
Jackleen: I’ll step on anyone I have to.
Jersey: It’s like I’m in a walking dream
Jackleen: You’re so dumb.
Jersey: I don’t want to wake up
Jackleen: Yea no shit.
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13. |
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Drunk Old Man: I was on the bus, going down Lamar,
When I saw this man, humping a car
He was wearing pink, a skirt I think,
When it occurred to me, Austin needs a creed
I started thinking, then it hit me:
Keep Austin weird!
Woke the guy next to me sleeping,
Told em, keep Austin weird.
Jersey: Wow, so did you trademark the phrase?
Drunk Old Man: No! And now it’s owned by some corporate douche.
Glen: Wow, I guess that makes sense.
Drunk Old Man: But I’m working on a new slogan for Austin.
Jersey: Oh yea, what’s that?
Drunk Old Man: Don’t move here! (Laughs drunkenly and stumbles out of the cab)
Jersey: Everyone debates, what makes Austin strange
Some would say the bats, or the walls of spray paint
Has it lost its edge, ‘cause musicians can’t pay rent
They go and built a million lofts, much to our discontent
So I implore you, I am begging
Keep Austin Weird
Too much money, too many people
Are moving here
Jersey: Oh I remember what it used to be like in Austin, before all of you moved here.
Glen: Didn’t you say you moved here two years ago?
Jersey: Whatever!
Jersey: It was so much less crowded. I used zip around this town.
Glen: But weren’t there fewer bike lanes?
Jersey: Shut up Glen!
Jersey: The point is that part of being from Austin, it’s your right to complain.
Jersey: Step on in, guys. Let’s Keep Austin Weird tonight.
Corporate Douche: Keep Austin Weird huh?
Jersey: Ya know, I heard the phrase Keep Austin Weird is actually owned by…(Jersey realizes that the guys he is talking to is a corporate douche) a corporation.
CD: Yea, it is. Mine.
Jersey: Wait a minute, you’re the guy who owns the trademark on Keep Austin Weird? You must have made a fortune off of it.
CD: Damn right. And I made even more when I sold it to Portland.
Jersey: Wow, you must have a house on the lake next to Matthew McConaughey or something!
CD: I don’t even live here.
Jersey: Um, sir, where do you live then?
CD: I split my time two ways between New York, and California.
Jersey: Nooooo. (CD steps off the cab.)
Jersey: So I implore you, I am begging
Keep Austin Weird
Too much money, too many people
Are moving here
(A couple gets onto Jersey’s cab.)
Jersey: Hey folks, so where are you from?
Couple: California!
Jersey and Glen: Don’t move here!
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14. |
ACT ONE: Undercutters
03:02
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15. |
|
|||
You shouldn't believe him
He just a freaking snake
You should go show him
That of which you're made
Start a revolution
Collect other men, and women
Together we'll protest
And push those snakes off the edge
You're the one
I am?
To take charge of us
Really?
I believe in you
To lead the troops
Really, just someone has to dmo it
Do what?
Who's with us to take down the snakes
Who's sick of the way they behave
Let's return to the olden days
Jersey will lead us to take down the snakes!
You want me to take down the snakes?
Sssss
You plan to take down the snakes
You young man couldn't take down my plates, if you were a bus boy
Get it?
Oh yea?
I've got something you don't have
(I know, acne)
That's not what I meant
(Oh get on with it)
It's my conversations
That help pay my rent
(Well when you sleep in your car...)
You can't stand
The human voice
(I deeply hate yours, yes)
You pushed me here
You give me no choice
Who's with us to take down the snakes
Who's sick of the way they behave
Let's return to the olden days
I will lead us to take down the snakes!
Alright now shut up boy it's my turn
Aren't you intimidated?
I'm freaking Robert laroux
You don't want to make me angry
You've no idea what I'll do
Let's set up a race then
At the pizza shop
You should bring your a game
Cause I'll be bringing a lot of dudes
One hour
Onion pizza.
Loser leaves town
You are a Loser and you will leave town yes
Just show up in a hour ya snake
|
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16. |
ACT ONE: Ukulele Lesson
02:07
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Jersey: Ya know, Jackleen. I have an idea to attract you some more customers. (He pulls out two Ukuleles and hands one to Jackleen.)
Jackleen: Wow, thanks. (Holds the ukulele properly and puts her fingers on the frets.) I used to know how to play a few chords, but no songs.
Jersey: Not a problem. Just follow my lead. First play a G, then move your finger down, then take it off, then back to G.
(Jackleen successfully plays the chords along with Jersey)
Jackleen: Wow, you made that seem really simple.
Jersey: Well, I’m a teacher.
Jackleen: (under her breath) Ugh.
Jersey: (Smiling) What, are you disappointed?
Jackleen: (Lying, poorly) No.
Jersey: Just sing along with me.
Jersey: Hey, would you like a ride?
It’s so beautiful outside
Tonight.
Jersey and Jackleen: Hey, would you like a ride?
It’s so beautiful outside
Tonight.
Jackleen: Well, thanks again Jersey wish me luck!
|
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17. |
ACT TWO: Frat-tina
02:53
|
|
||
Jersey: Fellas, fellas, step into my office
You boys from out of town?
Frat brothers? I gotcha.
Soo what are we looking to get into tonight boys?
Frat brother: We just wanna have fun, you know
What all the other guys want.
(Other guy, who has had a few):
You think you could get us some coke?
(First guy)
We’re only in town tonight
We gotta make it count, alright, alright
So take us to a perfect place
(Other guy, also a perv):
One where we’re gonna get laid
I know just the bar, where you’d wanna go
It isn’t all that far, just up the road
They have the loosest girls, that you’d ever see
When you wake up tomorrow, youre gonna thank me
Okay, here we are, have a good night boys
Ladies, step on in
Ooh you are looking good tonight.
Shall I take us to Cielo nightclub
Latina: Oh you think just because we’re Latinas that we’re going to Cielo?
Hell yea we are, it’s the only Latin club in town
(Drunk friend)
Tienes cocaina?
We’re tired of our hometown guys
So we’re here tonight
I love a good girls night out
We don’t need a man
(Drunk friend):
I’m looking for a one night stand
Well, I am
We’re only here for one night
And I for one plan to live my life!
Now who’s with me?
Whoaaa Austin!
Jersey: Alright ladies here we are. Have fun!
Jersey, to Glen:
And that’s how it’s done Glen
Glen:
Isn’t it ironic that they both wanted coke?
Jersey:
No, Alannis Morisette, that’s not irony. Everyone asks for cocaine.
|
||||
18. |
|
|||
Jersey: Alright Glen, I think I need a rest, let’s get on the end of this line
So, what happened to you,
You refused to take a drug test?
Glen:
Yea, not my finest hour
I was doing HVAC for this company,
All of a sudden they popped a drug test on me
And I was outta there
What about you?
Jersey: I’m a high school teacher
I do this on the weekends
Cause I ain’t got no friends
(Spoken:)
But don’t feel bad for me
(Sung:)
I’ve been here living in Austin
For a couple years now
I followed the trend
We’ve all got a story to tell
So what’s yours?
The only requirement to ride
Is you’ve gotta be interesting
Yea you gotta keep it interesting
People expect us to be one of a kind
Your narrative should be riveting
Yea you gotta keep it interesting
Yea riding a pedicab isn’t for the faint at heart
You gotta have tattoos a beard and face art
Take it from us we’ve been down that road
We’re from every city, state and zip code
Glen:
Wow, I never thought of myself as an interesting guy
Jersey:
Well, dig deep.
Or just make shit up.
Like this guy.
Pedicabber:
I come from New Orleans
I used play the trumpet
Here’s my tattoo to prove it
And people eat it up with a spoon
Glen:
I don’t think I could do that
Pretend to be someone
Just for the tips
I’m just an unemployed HVAC
I’m not ashamed of that
I just smoke weed
Jersey:
I was worried that you wouldn’t fit in
Until you said “weed”
The only requirement to ride
Is you’ve gotta be interesting
Yea you gotta keep it interesting
People expect us to be one of a kind
Your narrative should be riveting
Yea you gotta keep it interesting
Yea riding a pedicab isn’t for the faint at heart
You gotta have tattoos a beard and face art
Take it from us we’ve been down that road
We’re from every city, state and zip code
Pedicabber:
I’m a southern boy
Y’all come back now ya hear
I spit cliches every damn day of the year
Pirate Mike: Arghhh I’m pirate Mike, that’s my gimmick
But in my real life, I drive a Honda Civic
Jersey, to Glen:
So who are you?
|
||||
19. |
ACT TWO: Rap Battle
02:56
|
|
||
Glen: Ya know, Jersey, I used be something of a rapper.
Jersey: No way.
Glen: Yup, they used to call me MC Glen.
Jersey: Piano man, give us a beat!
Jersey: When we have a little downtime, pedicabbers have been known to have rap battles.
Glen: Well, MY beats were a little more like this…
Glen: Okay everyone, I’m MC Glen
An HVAC from Oregon
I failed a drug a test for smoking weed
So now I’m tryna make a buck by pedalin’
My trainer is Jersey, he’s from NJ
And he’d like to wring the neck of Antony, right?
Yea he’s my roommate, but we can all agree that we hate the SNAKES
(Jersey is impressed by Glen’s rapping. They revel in the insult of the SNAKES. Robert Laroux and Jackleen walk up and Jersey and Glen are frightened.)
Laroux: Talkie, talkie, talkie. That’s all you peasants can do. First of all, let’s put on a real beat. DJ SNAKES, spin that shit.
(Laroux prepares to rap. Walks around rubbing his hands together, loosening up his shoulders.)
Laroux: Where do you want me start?
The fact that this girl just plays with your heart?
The fact that the SNAKES always rake it in,
And leftover P Terry’s is your din din?
People like my rides
People laugh at your bike
You’re always standing in line
I’m always snaking your rides
Couldn’t stop me if you tried
So all you can do is cry
How come you’re training him, huh
When you can barely ride?
Jersey: Alright you piece of crap.
Congratulations, you got me to rap.
I’m supposed to insult you, huh?
Well how’s this for a verbal slap
(Choking under the pressure)
You...stink!
Laroux: Jersey’s his name, being poor is his game
His bike it is lame, his friend is the same
Only a success if failure is his aim
You’re dumb if you think he’d ever make the SNAKES
Ooh you should be ashamed
Cause your boy looks like a poor man’s Kevin James
Glen: Jersey, you can’t choke again, let me do the next round for you.
Jersey: I have a better idea Glen, let’s get the hell outta here.
Glen: Okay.
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20. |
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21. |
ACT TWO: Cool Teacher
03:48
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22. |
ACT TWO: Piano Man
03:13
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Glen: Wow, that piano player is really good.
Jersey: Yep, Piano Man, he’s a buddy of mine. He has a weekly gig at Pete’s dueling piano bar.
Glen: What’s his story?
Jersey: I can’t believe you haven’t figured this out yet, Glen, but why don’t we ask him to find out?
Glen: Okay.
Jersey: Yo Piano Man, this guy wants to hear your life story.
Piano Man: You sure he doesn’t just wanna hear Tiny Dancer, Piano Man and Brick over and over?
Jersey: Whoa buddy. What’s the matter?
Piano: Sorry, Jersey. I’m so sick of playing the same songs over and over.
Jersey: Well, now’s the chance for you to play something original for this rookie. Then, after you should play Sweet Caroline.
Piano Man: I could have been somethin’
The Billy Joel of Boston
Instead I’m here every weekend
The dirty 6th in Austin
I was a dime a dozen
Guess everyone can play piano in Boston
So now on Friday’s I work at Pete’s
And every week it’s the same thing
Jersey: What do you mean?
(Plays UT fight song)
Jersey: That doesn’t seem so bad. People love hearing their old college fight song.
Piano Man: Yea, I know. And when one ends, they always want to hear the next one.
(Plays A&M fight song)
Glen: I don’t know these songs. How about “Don’t Stop Believin”?
Piano Man: You know what, dude? You should stop believin. I’m gonna play you one of my own songs.
It’s 10 o’clock on a Friday
The usual people are here
There’s a young guy sitting next to me
Having sex with his beer.
Glen: This sounds awfully familiar.
Piano Man: Oops I’ve done it again
Ripped off a song that was famous
Just like my song called Tequilaville
This explains why I didn’t make it
Jersey: Look, Piano Man. You may not be the Billy Joel of Boston, but you’re kind of like the Elton John of Austin.
Piano Man: In what way?
Jersey: I don’t know dude. I was just trying to make you feel better.
Piano Man: Thanks. Well, I’d better work on my song. It’s called, “I’ve got friends in high places.” Dammit, no it’s called “Green Eyed Girl.” Oh god nevermind.
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23. |
ACT TWO: The Real Glen
03:30
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24. |
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Jersey: Alright Glen,
It’s go time
There’s Laroux
Here goes
Glen: Uh Jersey, always remember,
Never stop pedaling
I read it on a pedicab bumper sticker.
Jersey: Oh god I did it again
I think I’m in over my head
Not now, not this one,
Matter fact I think I got this one
So don’t tell me what I can’t do
I’mma peddle like this bike was brand new
The snakes need to get up outta here
A 40 year old snake I do not fear
The road ahead is uphill
More than strength I need just sheer will
Hardest road I’ve been down
Wish my folks could see me right now
Oh I’m proud of who I am
And win or lose I don’t give a damn
Yea you can write me down
As the man who raced a snake just for his crown
Robert:
Oh hunny
Jackleen:
Dad, what can I do for you?
Robert:
Oh, Jackleen, there’s not much left in the old boy.
Jackleen:
Dad, if you lose, where are we gonna go?
Robert:
Wherever Uber and Lyft went.
Jackleen:
Oh no. Please dad, push through it
Robert:
This hill is kicking my arse.
Why did I agree to this?
How far the mighty fall?
It doesn’t feel like me at all
I can’t lose, can’t give up
I’m royalty and he’s a chump
I’m Robert freaking Laroux
Been pedicabbing since 2002
I’ve snaked in all 50 states
Snaking from New Orleans to the Golden state
I was liking Austin
Why’d I go and do this again
Uproot my family
And I wonder why they hate me
Oh, why am I so damn proud
Or at least I sound that way out loud
Yea when will this race end?
So my next one can begin
Jersey:
Just give it up old man
Laroux:
Never,
Hunny, distract him
Jersey:
Jackleen? What are you his nurse or something?
Jackleen:
I’m his daughter
Look, Jersey, I’ve been snaking you this whole time. I’m a snake. It’s literally my middle name. I don’t want to leave Austin. Please don’t win.
Jersey:
Oh, I’m so torn up about it
Cause if I let him win, then he’ll just snake again
What has this all been for? Thought I was waging war
Oh
Oh, then there’s that unwritten rule
It seems to outweigh the others
I’m really about to do this.
I’m gonna lose this race for this girl.
FML
SMH
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25. |
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26. |
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27. |
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Jersey: It’s all because of her
The cause of all this hurt
But I hope what I did was right
Because it wasn’t even honest
And I didn’t get the girl
It’s all because of her
I got my heart broken at work
But I loved it here in Austin
Cause it’s not like the rest of Texas
But I’ll be leaving in the morning
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28. |
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Jersey:
I guess this is it, Glen. I’m outta here. Let’s go return the cabs to the shop.
Glen:
Hey Jersey, can I confess something to you?
Jersey:
Sure.
Glen:
I have no intentions of pedicabbing after tonight.
Jersey:
That’s great Glen.
Glen:
It’s just that Antony, when I told him I lost my job, he kind of bullied me into it.
Jersey:
I could see that.
It’s my last night on a pedicab
I’m finally gonna quit this job
Oh sure it breaks your back
But you get attractive thighs
You wake up at 4 PM
Then it’s time to go back out and ride
Southern Boy:
Hey, uh, howdy.
Pirate Mike:
Argg we wanna say thank ya for standing up to the SNAKES
Southern Boy;
Uh, yea man. Yipiie kay-o kay-a
Jersey:
Where are you guys really from?
Both:
Long Island.
Jersey:
Last night on a pedicab
I’m finally gonna quit this job
I can’t say I’ll miss the pain
I never thought it would be this hard
Oh sure,
You have no life
But you get free exercise
You get home at 4 AM
Just in time to close your eyes
You know what I am gonna miss though?
The solitude.
And as I roll through the night
Ahhh
It’s just me and the sky
Antony:
Jersey my boy. So how did Glen do?
Jersey:
He did great Antony. But it was a busy night. So how’s about you me $50.
Antony:
Jersey! All I hear about is how slow it’s been tonight.
Jersey:
Last night on a pedicab
And ain’t dealing with this crap
So hand me my fifty bucks
Before I call the police and rat
Oh sure,
My boss is strange
In a sleazy kind of way
But I quit, so from today
I’ll no longer keep my dreams at bay
Jersey:
Jackleen?
Jackleen:
Would you like to ride around with me?
Jackleen:
That was really sweet of you to lose that race.
Jersey:
Thanks. You know you’re not so bad for a SNAKE.
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29. |
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Danny Calise Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
A software developer by day, singer-songwriter by evening, Danny Calise simply will never stop writing songs.
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